A stumble – not a fall

You might have read my blog post from yesterday about my fairly disastrous day. Well today is a new day so it required me to pick myself and dust myself off.

I did feel myself slipping back a bit but I won’t let myself go back to that dark place. I feel like I’m in a well and I’ve slipped down slightly, in the dark days I was at the bottom. I did quite a dark painting last night, it’s however I’m feeling at the time and it really helps me relax.

I suppose with my paintings and photos on display I felt like I was being judged. One lady in particular picked up one of the photo blocks and really examined it – from every angle. She didn’t speak or look at me and I couldn’t speak to her because I felt so uncomfortable.

Part of my is angry with myself because I can’t do things like this anymore. The other part of me thinks I should stop forcing myself to do things I’m not comfortable with. We are back to the battle of wills again. It’s like an invisible tug of war going on in my head.

I’ve been so achy since yesterday and it made me realise how much I’d tensed myself up. I felt like I’d been run over by a lorry this morning! On the positive side it’s made me aware that I’ve been fairly relaxed over the last few months and that’s great.

Anyway this is just a stumble, I’m still on the right track – a little bit wiser.

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4 thoughts on “A stumble – not a fall

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  1. I like the part of you who thinks that you should stop forcing yourself to do things that you aren’t comfortable with! ❤

  2. Hi Val.

    In all of our heads there is one or more background track/s constantly playing. It determines through our emotions how we interpret comments, glances and attitudes.
    This soundtrack plays in all of our minds as a response to situations prevalent at that time. This in turn forges set emotional responses such as our need for approval, validation of self worth/esteem, personal inadequacy. Long after the instances that formed the emotional filter have ceased, insecurities can trigger the filter back into full operational status once again.

    However, you now are in a place Val where you can say, although it would be nice to have Xs validation, my wellbeing is not dependant on it. I will not allow the reactions of others to artificially buoy or deflate me. This is MY LIFE and MY JOURNEY.

    However you are right Val. That was yesterday. And It’s over and gone. If you feel there there are relevant lessons, absorb them. Today is yours to fashion as you choose. Let your will control the volume of the soundtrack.

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