I went along to The Change Your Mind Festival today. This morning my old friend anxiety was back and I really didn’t want to go. In hindsight I should have listened to myself but I didn’t want to let anyone down. So now I’m thinking by not wanting to let anyone down I kind of let myself down.
Don’t get me wrong parts of it I really enjoyed. I liked telling people about our social coffee mornings. I loved meeting some of my blog readers – I’ve been invited for a crystal healing and I can’t wait! I loved meeting Michelle from Camlake Canvas. I loved the drumming and listening to some of the speakers……but…….
I hated having my paintings and photos on display. I felt very exposed – almost like I was naked. I know that sounds strange but it was the weirdest feeling for me having people look at my work – which is very much a part of me. The paintings reflect my state of mind at the time I painted them and some of them are really quite raw. I know I put some of them up on the Internet but that’s OK because I don’t have to see people reacting to them.
I also really didn’t like being behind a table, it was like there was a barrier between me and the rest of the people….and when I was sitting down it was like the other people were dominating me and in control…and that I wasn’t. So now the old chest pains are back again with a vengeance…and I almost got sick wolfing down a takeaway dinner because I’d let myself get too hungry.
Lots of lessons learnt today. Probably the most important one is to trust myself.