I went along to The Change Your Mind Festival today. This morning my old friend anxiety was back and I really didn’t want to go. In hindsight I should have listened to myself but I didn’t want to let anyone down. So now I’m thinking by not wanting to let anyone down I kind of let myself down.
Don’t get me wrong parts of it I really enjoyed. I liked telling people about our social coffee mornings. I loved meeting some of my blog readers – I’ve been invited for a crystal healing and I can’t wait! I loved meeting Michelle from Camlake Canvas. I loved the drumming and listening to some of the speakers……but…….
I hated having my paintings and photos on display. I felt very exposed – almost like I was naked. I know that sounds strange but it was the weirdest feeling for me having people look at my work – which is very much a part of me. The paintings reflect my state of mind at the time I painted them and some of them are really quite raw. I know I put some of them up on the Internet but that’s OK because I don’t have to see people reacting to them.
I also really didn’t like being behind a table, it was like there was a barrier between me and the rest of the people….and when I was sitting down it was like the other people were dominating me and in control…and that I wasn’t. So now the old chest pains are back again with a vengeance…and I almost got sick wolfing down a takeaway dinner because I’d let myself get too hungry.
Lots of lessons learnt today. Probably the most important one is to trust myself.
It all takes time to learn what works and what doesn’t….sometime pushing it- we are OK, other times we are not. The main thing is to be gentle and kind with yourself, and lots of self care and T.L.C. Hell, I’m still learning 🙂 Sending you hugs and strength ❤
Trust is the thing. The reactions from people I do not think matter as much as we think they do. This only haunts us into that other longing corner, expectations.
The value, to trust, is you expressing your inspiration and it’s out there. We cannot do everything thinking of how to please people, as we often get that mistaken anyway. We need space to express and people to respond with any emotions whether it is joy, humour, inspiration spark, or disgust. What an incredible contribution you probably made.