Earlier today there was going to be a pity party of a blog post. That’s what not sleeping at night does. Following on from my post about ‘Who am I?’ at 2am my negative thoughts told me I was a loser….yes thanks for that.
I finally got to sleep at around 5am and when I had to get up this morning I was in the foulest mood imaginable. I dragged myself out of bed and took the dogs for a walk. The neighbouring cows walked up to say hello and I found myself singing to them, as you do, so that cheered me up no end.
The ‘mask’ went on and I went into work and did what I had to do. Then I got a text, did I want to meet for a chat. The me that was in a foul mood didn’t want to inflict myself on anyone but the lonely me was just so thrilled that someone took the time to text me. I know that sounds a bit soppy but it really made my day.
So I went and I chatted and it was the best thing I could have done. I realised that I’m not alone in feeling the way I do. You know when you think you aren’t worthy and the slightest negative thing that is said hurts so much. More than that it was someone who understood anxiety.
For those who haven’t had anxiety it can feel almost like an out-of-body experience. You are there in body but inside is in turmoil. For me I get a pain in my chest, it’s hard to breathe, I get hot and panicky and my head thumps. It’s like the walls are closing in on me. Everything seems louder and brighter, faces loom towards me and it’s very scary. I couldn’t face the supermarket today because the anxiety was bad today.
I got home exhausted with a migraine and I had to go straight to bed. It felt like my chest was in a tight knot and it took ages for me to calm down. All I could hear was the blood rushing around my head and muscle pain from where I was tensing up.
I’ve just read back on the blog and it does, in fact, read like a pity party! Sorry about that folks. I do have several ‘cheerful’ blog posts I could write so I will. If anyone knows what I’m talking about remember you are not alone and if someone is on your mind drop them a text, it’s just a small thing to do but might make a huge difference.
Just one comment from me this time. I loathe that word ‘loser’. I could not call anyone that. People get i to challwnging times, nd they get out of them … then back into them … but we keep living and despite complaining, hurting, and seemingly fiving up … we find ourcway out of these things.
There are no losers, only selfish people that call other people losers.
I don’t think anyone can know how anxiety can affect another. It is as individual as a fingerprint. I think you have done exceptionally well to identify and share how you feel.