Since being diagnosed with anxiety I’ve spent quite a lot of time looking at the way I behave, it’s quite therapeutic in a way, it’s also quite annoying.
I’ve realised I’m a bit of a control freak and I kind of like to be in charge. This makes me sound really awful but what I mean is I’ve been quite used to being the one in control so it was hard to lose that. I also realise that I panic more when things are out of my control, such as waiting for buses, appointments, queuing etc.
I have to stop blaming other people. My insecurities come from me not other people so it’s up to me to deal with it. I can’t expect people to look at me and know how I’m feeling. I also have to stop looking at the past, it’s time for me to suck it up and get over it. I’m a big girl now.
I have to stop being so paranoid. Not everyone is out to get me or judge me, people have their own issues to deal with. I need to learn to trust people more – easier said than done.
I have to live in the moment. I thought I did – but I don’t. The nights awake made me realise that I’m a massive worrier. I tell others not to worry about things until they happen and I need to practise what I preach.
I’d like to learn to be independent again. I’ve started relying on other people to be around me if I’m in a social situation. I didn’t used to be like this, I used to be happy going to events on my own. Now I can’t do that, I know well if I did I’d walk in and walk right back out again.
I need to be kind to myself. I’m a devil for beating myself up about everything and analyzing why I did or said certain things. I need to learn to relax a bit.
On a positive note there have been some big things I’ve had to deal with recently and the ‘old me’ came back with a vengeance. I’m so happy because I thought I’d lost the person I was, I haven’t at all. I still have the strength of character to cope when I really need it.
I had some lovely invitations to things when I was feeling very low. I plucked up the courage to go to one last week and I had such a lovely time. This place was like my kind of heaven and the lady was just so kind to me. I will carry on with things like this.
I’ve discovered I’m very happy when I’m off exploring, this is something I can do on my own because it’s usually well away from other people anyway. I also love finding new places so I need to do more or this.
I have to write more. I love the blog because it’s just so cathartic to get things out of my head and out into the cyberspace.
So that’s where I am at the moment. It still feels like I have a long way to go but I’ve also come a long way too and for that I’m grateful.