It’s been a busy week. Most of the time I haven’t wanted to leave the house but I forced myself.
Yesterday was one of those days, I wanted to go out to get some plants for the garden but as I sat in the house, with my hands and head shaking (the head shaking is a new thing), I was panicking about going. Thankfully a song came on the radio that spoke to me, the song is called 100 Like Me by Stephanie Rainey – have a listen and see what you think.
So while all these thoughts and more were going through my head – “Who would I see? How would I react? What would happen? Why am I such a loser?” The song was in the background. I got angry with myself. Anger is a new thing too, better than crying I suppose. I’m angry because I have no right to feel the way I do. I have so many things to be grateful for so why do I feel like this? If I could kick myself up the backside I would.
My mind is my biggest enemy. I hate the way I feel about myself. Anyway I made myself go out. I didn’t do as well as I’d hoped, I quickly got the things I wanted to get and dashed out of the various places. I find I am much better at dealing with people if I don’t know them…that’s another odd thing.
I arrived home exhausted but with the plants I wanted to get and I felt like I’d achieved something. I did have to go straight to bed though….lack of sleeping at night and just wrecked.
When I’m out I find it’s the little things that are likely to tip me over the edge. A woman crashed into me in a shop, I jumped and hit my head off a shelf…managed to hold it together until I got out of the shop. My car almost got hit by a barrier in a car park. I couldn’t get the car out and felt very trapped, the effort of having to park the car and go and get help was almost too much.
Having a big list of shopping or places I have to go to overwhelms me. I have to write everything down or I’d forget but the looking at the list is awful. I have so many things I want to do but just don’t have the energy to do them.
As always family and friends have been amazing, I know I am so blessed. Next week is a big week, I have a few appointments so I’ll let you know how I get on. If you are going through your own battles hang on in there. I can’t say it’s any easier for me but I’m taking each day as it comes and at the moment that’s good enough.