Facing the Fear

It’s been a busy week. Most of the time I haven’t wanted to leave the house but I forced myself.

Yesterday was one of those days, I wanted to go out to get some plants for the garden but as I sat in the house, with my hands and head shaking (the head shaking is a new thing), I was panicking about going. Thankfully a song came on the radio that spoke to me, the song is called 100 Like Me by Stephanie Rainey – have a listen and see what you think.

So while all these thoughts and more were going through my head – “Who would I see? How would I react? What would happen? Why am I such a loser?”  The song was in the background. I got angry with myself. Anger is a new thing too, better than crying I suppose. I’m angry because I have no right to feel the way I do. I have so many things to be grateful for so why do I feel like this? If I could kick myself up the backside I would.

My mind is my biggest enemy. I hate the way I feel about myself. Anyway I made myself go out. I didn’t do as well as I’d hoped, I quickly got the things I wanted to get and dashed out of the various places. I find I am much better at dealing with people if I don’t know them…that’s another odd thing.

I arrived home exhausted but with the plants I wanted to get and I felt like I’d achieved something. I did have to go straight to bed though….lack of sleeping at night and just wrecked.

When I’m out I find it’s the little things that are likely to tip me over the edge. A woman crashed into me in a shop, I jumped and hit my head off a shelf…managed to hold it together until I got out of the shop. My car almost got hit by a barrier in a car park. I couldn’t get the car out and felt very trapped, the effort of having to park the car and go and get help was almost too much.

Having a big list of shopping or places I have to go to overwhelms me. I have to write everything down or I’d forget but the looking at the list is awful. I have so many things I want to do but just don’t have the energy to do them.

As always family and friends have been amazing, I know I am so blessed. Next week is a big week, I have a few appointments so I’ll let you know how I get on. If you are going through your own battles hang on in there. I can’t say it’s any easier for me but I’m taking each day as it comes and at the moment that’s good enough.

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13 thoughts on “Facing the Fear

  1. Andrea Ford says:

    I can empathise with those experiences. The storm raging inside your head, whilst on the outside everything is like a lake with a few ripples running across the surface, feels as if it will never be quiet. Support and understanding from those we are close to is the life line, the thing that keeps us buoyant. I also think it helps to accept that this is part of who we are and to think of it as similar to the tides, that force of nature that cannot be controlled but that can be enjoyed for what they are. We need to be as fluid, to embrace the storms and look for the calm eye that is the love we give and receive from our family, friends and of course our pets. Love and Blessings A xx

  2. Noelle Sullivan says:

    We’re about to tip over into spring, and though the darkness inside doesn’t get “fixed” by the sunshine, the warmer days do make things easier. I’m trying to hang in there, too. Go small for now: focus on the tea, the lens, the leaf, the fog, more than the waiting and the nerves. Sláinte.

  3. tric says:

    You mightn’t think much of yesterday’s achievement but you could have stayed at home. Well done you. Give yourself a pat on the back and be proud. It may sound easy, but it wasn’t.

  4. Hungry Breton (Franck) says:

    You have carried a lot in 2016… It is going to be ok. I fell asleep standing on my feet last Monday. Super weird, my body was telling me: ” Well pal, I don’t know about you, but ‘am outta here!”.

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