I’m still battling this shadow that’s hanging over me. I feel like someone has kidnapped the old me and left a quivering wreck in her place.
I’m on the medication for two weeks now – do I feel any different? Not really at the moment. I now have nausea to deal with. To be honest I think medication should kind of be a last resort. No amount of tablets is going to get rid of the thoughts in my head. “I’m fat, ugly, worthless, useless, good for nothing.”
On the plus side I can now talk about this without crying so that’s progress. I do, however, come out in a very fetching rash these days which takes over my face and neck when I’m stressed – which to be honest is all the time.
My hands have stopped shaking so that’s another plus, I have started hallucinating when I sleep now though. One thing takes over from another.
Every day where I have to leave the house is an effort. I’m tired, so tired, all the time. In an ideal world I’d go to bed and stay there. I have days where I don’t want anyone to talk to me. Wouldn’t it be great if there was some kind of jacket you could wear so people knew you were having “an ‘off day’ and keep away.
I’m waiting for the CBT appointment, I’m also now being referred to counselling (which I’m hoping will help). I don’t know how long it will take for an appointment to come through but it’s either pay €50 a session (which I can’t afford) or wait. So waiting it is.
Do you know what I hate though? Being told to go for a walk. I’m always bloody walking! You can tell the people who suggest these things have never felt like this. It’s not a one size fits all. Walking might help for some but it does nothing for me – only make me think more – which isn’t a good thing.
Eating melted chocolate helped yesterday, maybe that’s what I need to do! I’m having a blood test on Tuesday to check my hormones (which I think could be a big thing, menopause and all that), I’m also getting my thyroid checked and vitamin levels.
On the whole I’m taking one day at a time and going through the motions. I miss me though, the brave, adventurous me. The person who had such a lust for life and loved everyone minute of it. I am this shadow person, the one who is afraid of everything and almost everyone. The person who has such a short attention span (it’s like having a child with ADHD). This person doesn’t want to do anything, she’s dull, has no energy, she bores me. If I don’t like her no one else will either.
I’m not writing this post for sympathy. I’m writing because if at least one person feels the same as I do and that they are not alone it will be worth it. I’m also writing this because it is OK to talk about your feelings, if more people did the world might be a better place.