Ah lads the insomnia is getting out of control. I haven’t had the phone next to the bed for a week and I’m still wide awake at 2am. All sorts of things go through my head, it’s like a non-stop movie. I finally gave up and came downstairs and here I am….prepare for a ramble.
So yesterday was our Havin’aLaugh Social Coffee Morning – I will write another blog later about the charity and why they’ve done so much for me. Anyway –
As always I never know who will turn up. The joys of social media where people say they are coming and don’t. So I usually sit for ten minutes thinking I’ll be all alone – I had Marian Keyes for company – the book – not the person and also Lucy was with me this time so I was grand. Actually I’m just wondering can I now say Marian was at our coffee morning?
See I’m off on a tangent already. So the coffee morning – it was brilliant – although I was a bit anxious too. There was a great crowd, I’m always sorry afterwards that I don’t get to speak to everyone though….but I don’t need to. As I looked around the room I could see people of all ages and all walks of life chatting, making connections and ‘havin’alaugh’ and isn’t that what it’s all about?
One couple heard me on Mid West Radio and came all the way from Achill Island. This has now got me thinking that we need to take the coffee morning on tour and give people the encouragement to start their own ones in the different counties. It’s a simple idea but a much needed one. In an ideal world I’d love a communal space where people could drop in and out whenever they needed to – not a support group but just a space where everyone felt welcome. Maybe one day.
This week I felt something change within me, usually I go along, have a chat and go home. This time I felt the spark of a couple of friendships – the anxious part of me is worried, I can feel the wall being built to protect myself – after all I’ve been here before and things didn’t really work out.
Even as I type this the palpitations are kicking off. I’m scared. I’m always very open and honest when I’m behind the computer but I feel quite safe here. It’s a whole other ball game in real life. I’m a bit of a coward. I think part of me talks too much and people just end up running for the hills. The other part of me just isn’t a very good friend. I don’t phone people – ever. I don’t really like talking on the phone. I hardly ever text – too scared of rejection – actually now I type that I really think that’s exactly what it is – the fear of rejection. I can’t get rejected if I don’t put myself in that position in the first place but then am I missing out? Who knows.
Anyway as I sit here in the dark with my two doggies curled up on me and I listen to the clock ticking and the dawn chorus I know that today is a new day – so we’ll see what that brings. I’m toying with the idea of climbing a mountain – but after about two hours or so of sleep that’s probably not the best idea so I’ll have a word with myself.
Thanks for reading x