Of course it’s 4am and I’m wide awake and really hungry. 

So far this week it’s been another up and down one. 

Monday was a really low day. I’m fed up of this whole numb feeling. It’s like there’s no emotion there at all. I went back to the doctor to see if I could change the antidepressants or stop them but she advised me to stay on them until I talk to my counsellor.

I was in such a low mood that I cancelled meeting a friend and didn’t go to choir. I couldn’t face it. 

I’m also in two minds about the choir at the moment. We have a big concert coming up and I’m scared. I don’t feel good enough. Here we go again with the worthless feeling.

Tuesday was a better day. I was asked to go on the radio to talk about the long waiting lists for scoliosis patients (there’s another blog in that). What surprised me was how fired up I got when I was speaking. So deep down there is feeling there, it just needs a fair bit of prodding to come out.

I also went to my first ever yoga class, again there’s another blog post, I’m trying to find the cure for relaxation. I’m still hoping for a miracle cure or a magic wand.

I have a million things to do today ahead of Jono and I going away. I’m so not organised which isn’t like me at all but for once I’ve written a list of everything I have to do. I would normally have all kinds of plans for places to visit when we are away but it’s going to just be spur of the moment things this time. 

If anyone out there is on sertraline how are you finding it? Is this high and low feeling normal? I know everyone is different but I’d love to find out what works for people.

I’m now going to try to sleep again which is going to be difficult with my stomach rumbling and the craving I have for a bag of chips. There’s another thing, the old me hates chips! The depressed me always wants a bag in the middle of the night preferably smothered in salt and vinegar.

Goodnight all x

Of course it’s the middle of the night and I’m wide awake.

I’m listening to the rain on the window and grateful to be warm and cosy.

It was a good day mostly. A day spent with Lucy before she returns to college. I love the relationship I have with both my children but it kind of makes me sad for perhaps what could have been with my own parents.

I had a counselling session and in a strange way I like it. One hour with someone just listening to me, or waiting for me to speak. It does make me question myself a lot though and I do wonder what the outcome will be.

At least today I’ve been told CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) isn’t for me at the moment. I need to move back before I move forward. 

CBT did help as regards the panic attacks but it didn’t help me with the depression. I do know everyone is different though and what works for one person might not be right for someone else. 

The standard advice at the moment seems to be mindfulness and walking. When I walk I think too much so it’s not really an answer for me. I’d much rather be doing a high impact activity. 

I’m actually toying with the idea of going running – midlife crisis how are ya! I have never liked running, it hurts my teeth! So I’m wondering if I’ve been possessed or something!

Speaking of being possessed most of my negative feelings started when we moved home. I have no idea why. We are in the house I wanted to live in for the last eight years. I do know houses hold feelings – lots of experience with that but this is a new house….so what’s that about? Or is it just coincidence?

I’m sure it doesn’t help being surrounded by boxes but I can’t be bothered to empty them. There’s a lot of can’t be bothered going on at the moment.

On a positive note Jono is taking me to The Netherlands for a couple of days next week. He can’t travel on his own so I’m his companion. He loves travelling but can be wiped out by it so I’ll be there to mind him. Mind you I’m a bit apprehensive about where we are staying. It’s cheap and cheerful and Jono has been known to book some crackers in the past. The one with the horse looking in the window springs to mind!

I hope you all have a good weekend. Myself and Jono are going on a day trip of old railway stations in Fermanagh. There are a lot of free things happening there this weekend so worth checking out.

Excuse my unedited ramblings x

It wasn’t the best day I’ve ever had. 

It started off OK with both Jono and Lucy going for amatsu treatments and me eating ice cream but it went downhill.

Poor Lucy isn’t sleeping. I think she’s had about 3 hours of sleep in the last two days. She’s due back at college on Monday and I’m worried about her.

Jono has been in a lot more pain recently due to his scoliosis and kyphosis. This week he got a letter to say he’s now on the waiting list as a day case for pain injections. Bearing in mind he was seen in April this is a bit much.

We also found out that the back patches he’s had for the last two years to help with the pain are now only licenced for patients with shingles.

I took him to the doctor this afternoon and I’m just so frustrated and angry with the health service. He’s 24 years old and in constant pain which is now making him dizzy and sick. His shoulder blade has got worse in the last few weeks but an x-ray wasn’t suggested.

I ended up swearing in the chemist, I hardly ever swear. It’s just an awful situation.

On the way home a cyclist fell off their bike just ahead of my car. The poor person, I felt so bad for them. I waited until help arrived and was pretty shaken when I got home. Not half as shaken as the cyclist.

I’m hoping tomorrow will be a better day. I wish I could take the pain away from my children. I hate feeling so useless.