Insomnia and gratitude

Yes it’s silly o’clock and I’m wide awake. A couple of days ago you’d have got a blog post telling you how wonderful melotonin is. I had two eight hour sleeps because of it. Alas it was too good to last and here I am wide awake.

This time I’m not worrying or anxious for once. I’m mulling over my wonderful day. I can’t believe that Jacintha went to all that trouble for me. I’m well and truly humbled. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. For someone outside my family to go to such lengths has me speechless….and it’s a lovely feeling.

It’d be an even lovelier feeling if I could sleep too. I have counselling later today so I’m probably thinking about that too. It doesn’t upset me but it does make me take a long, hard look at myself and that’s not always easy.

Anyway I’ll say goodnight or good morning depending on which side of the pond you are on xxx

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Pancakes and Polyps

Today was a stressful day. Jono had to go to the day clinic in Sligo University Hospital for an endoscopy test.

As always Jono was cool, calm and collected. I, on the other hand, was a bag of nerves. I think it’s the waiting around that gets to me. So when Jono was in having the tests I went to visit my friend in her lovely new office. I even had a flaxseed pancake which was delicious. It was lovely to distract my mind from poor Jono.

Anyway the tests are all done, so far they told us he has a polyp in his stomach. What they are looking for is to see if they could find a reason why he’s anaemic. We’ll get the rest of the results in a couple of weeks. The hospital were fantastic, very kind and caring to Jono and it was great to know he was in such good hands.

I thought Jono would be exhausted as he hadn’t eaten in 24 hours and he was sedated but he was great. He had Versatis patches on him and what a difference they made. He could actually walk around! He hasn’t been able to do that in months.

We shared a pancake from The Blind Tiger, it was delicious – melted chocolate, mint ice cream and whipped cream, yum!

Jono really never ceases to amaze me with his ability to cope. He’s some fella. I’m completely wiped out tonight! I’m just glad it’s all over

Another middle of the night blog

Hello again insomnia. This is getting to become quite a pattern now. I sleep at around midnight and am wide awake at 2am.

My mind is mulling over the day. Firstly we had coffee morning number 5 or 6, I’ve lost count, it was fantastic. I really love these mornings, chatting to new people from all walks of life. There are so many interesting people out there, thank you so much to everyone who came along. The icing on the cake was when my friend Ann from Enniskillen walked in. I was delighted to see her, she is such a good friend.

After the coffee morning it was back to the real world with a bang when I tuned in to RTE Radio One and heard the heartbreaking stories of people in chronic pain who can no longer get pain numbing patches. You can read Jono’s story regarding this in my previous post. I just felt so badly for all those out there suffering and I know that it’s only the tip of the iceberg. When we moved to Ireland in 1991 before we had children we moved thinking this was a far better country to bring up a family. Twenty seven years later I’m not so sure. Yes it’s a beautiful, peaceful place on the most part but from my experience with the health service it leaves a lot to be desired. This is not including those at the front line, there are some amazing doctors, nurses, porters and other health care workers doing a fantastic job with limited resources. It’s the people higher up the ladder I have an issue with. When I hear those poor patients distraught and then hear of a casino bailed out I have to wonder what kind of shower are running the country.

Anyway writing this is just getting me angry all over again and frustrated that I can’t do anything about it. I’ll leave you for tonight. Thanks for keeping me as sane as possible.

The Invisible Wall

Yes it’s the middle of the night, yes I’m awake and analysing myself. Some things never change.

It’s a year since I had my first panic attack. I saw a photo of myself taken at the event before the attack happened. I’m smiling and look normal but on closer inspection my hands are clenched and I don’t look at all relaxed. It just proves to me that quite often I’m hiding behind a smile.

Something similar happened the other day. I went to something that I love doing but when I asked a question previously I felt stupid. Now I’m sure it wasn’t done on purpose but I felt like a child in front of a room full of people. It wasn’t by the answer I received but by the way it was said. I was in two minds whether to go back or not but it’s something I enjoy and I didn’t want to cut my nose off to spite my face – which I would have normally done. So there I was behind my invisible wall, there but not there if you know what I mean. The rest of the group were all laughing, talking and having a great time. I was there and I enjoyed what I did but I didn’t speak to anyone. Not one word the whole time. Does that make me weird? Don’t answer that, I know the answer.

I’ve realised this is not the first time the invisible wall has been there and it’s certainly one of the reasons why people think I’m rude it stuck-up. At the moment I can’t help it, it’s certainly easier then having a panic attack. I feel self-contained instead of vulnerable. It’s like I can choose what emotions I let in rather than the overwhelming feeling of panic where faces almost seem to loom over me and everything is amplified.

I’m not sure if any of this makes sense but it’s the way I am at the moment and in a way it’s a nice place to be, just me behind my invisible wall. There but not really there.

Insufferable Insomnia

Night number three of not much sleep. It’s really annoying because I get off to sleep quickly and wake up after about an hour. This pattern continues throughout the night. It’s like a light switch – on and off, on and off.

I’ve now given up trying to sleep and I know today will be difficult. I can feel a migraine looming already and my shoulders are knotted.

I’m back to stressing about silly little things. I hate this feeling and I know it’s lack of sleep making me feel worse. 

Physically I’m not feeling the best either. My eyes have been blurry and feeling strange from time to time for the last year and I have numbness around them. In the last month I’ve had chest pains moving around to my back and general aches and pains and my right leg is numb from my knee to my ankle. I also feel like I have a spider dancing up and down my back from time to time. 

I’ve been to the doctor and had tests and I’m in perfect health – including my cholesterol – I had a bar of chocolate to celebrate. So now I feel like a hypochondriac. Anyway I’m sure it’ll sort itself out in the end but it’s infuriating when you know you aren’t well but you don’t know what’s wrong. I’ve stopped googling because I could have all kinds of things, I’ve also stopped going to the doctor. I never used to need to go – those were the days – isn’t middle age wonderful?