The Sound of Silence

Oh yes I’m wide awake – and I’m on my phone. I’ll never learn! I actually had four decent nights so that’s a start.

In a lot of ways things are picking up, in other ways things are exactly the same – or even regressing.

I think I was naïve when I started the coffee mornings. I thought it would open up a whole new circle for me and it hasn’t. I think as far as friends go it’s time to stop trying and actually I’m OK with that. At this stage it’s better for me not to try than get hurt all over again.

I’m so excited though, this weekend Jono is taking me to Birmingham and I will get to see my best friend from school. I haven’t seen her in about 35 years! I really can’t wait.

There are so many great things in the pipeline and I’m thrilled. Of course the cogs are always whirring so there are new ideas all the time too. Watch this space 🙂 

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IKEA has an online shop!

Yes I’m still awake but exciting news as you can now shop online at IKEA! 

Think of all the exciting things you can buy that I’m sure you really need…and without having to brave the shop.

I was there once. It was like the Crystal Maze. You have to go through all these lovely showrooms to get to the things you want. You end up triping over couples arguing about the perfect lightshade and kids battering eachother. Mind you there’s a great restaurant at the end – great as in cheap.

Anyway I’m off to do some online window shopping.http://www.ikea.com/ie/en/

Alone

I hear the ticking of the clock. I’m lying here the rooms pitch dark. Except it’s not because my phone is glowing, with the blue filter off because it’s meant to keep you awake. Ha!

Why don’t I leave my phone downstairs? Probably because I know I like writing blog posts in the middle of the night! 

Why is it always in the middle of the night that my mind insists on thinking of every daft thing I’ve ever said…that’s quite a lot of thoughts.

I think I must be very unlikeable. I feel like such a loser unless I’m with my family. Everyone seems to have a huge circle of friends but still I don’t really have anyone. I think I’m making friends and then silence. I’m probably too needy. 

I’m at the stage now that I think I need to ‘buy’ friendship. That’s not a good place to be. I miss the days when I was enough company for me. I suppose I spend so much time stuck with my thoughts that I’d like a break. 

I think I must come across as too desparate and it repels people. I can’t say I blame them. 

One day and probably very soon I’ll just stop trying. I’ll stay in my bubble and keep quiet, although I’ve never managed to keep quiet yet. I suppose there’s a first time for everything.

Just ignore me and my middle of the night ramblings. Midlife crisis at it’s finest.

Nothing ever happens

Oh yes another sleepness night…and I know I shouldn’t be on my phone typing a blog post. One day I will leave my phone downstairs and use an alarm clock to wake me up… when I eventually sleep.

Anyway when I woke up an hour ago ‘Nothing ever happens’ by Del Amitri was in my head. The lyrics struck me, even though the song came out in 1989 it could have been written today:

“And nothing ever happens. Nothing happens at all. The needle returns to the start of the song and we’ll all sing along like before.

And we’ll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow.”

Enough said.

Friday feelings 

I’m sitting in the doctors waiting for what seems like a fortnight. I don’t like sitting around, my mind starts wandering.

It’s been an odd week, a reminder that life is short. A sadness that not everyone is lucky enough to have a long life.

The realisation that I’m still struggling in some aspects. I suppose I thought when I started writing about how isolated I felt things might improve but to be honest they haven’t.

There’s always the promise of ‘we’ll meet for coffee’ but in reality it doesn’t happen. Or not often anyway.

I know I’m my own worst enemy. I know if I suggest something to someone and I get a knock back I probably won’t ask again.

My confidence is still very low and although I am doing better there are still challenges.

I am so blessed to have my amazing family. In the last couple of days I’ve needed them and they’ve been there. In tough times this is a huge support.

There are positives, there always are. Some adventures to look forward to anyway. I know if I could sleep I’d be feeling better.

I’m glad it’s the weekend and looking forward to hopefully relaxing or doing things that I want to do. 

Have a good weekend everyone. 

Midweek Musings

Of course it’s 4am and I’m wide awake and really hungry. 

So far this week it’s been another up and down one. 

Monday was a really low day. I’m fed up of this whole numb feeling. It’s like there’s no emotion there at all. I went back to the doctor to see if I could change the antidepressants or stop them but she advised me to stay on them until I talk to my counsellor.

I was in such a low mood that I cancelled meeting a friend and didn’t go to choir. I couldn’t face it. 

I’m also in two minds about the choir at the moment. We have a big concert coming up and I’m scared. I don’t feel good enough. Here we go again with the worthless feeling.

Tuesday was a better day. I was asked to go on the radio to talk about the long waiting lists for scoliosis patients (there’s another blog in that). What surprised me was how fired up I got when I was speaking. So deep down there is feeling there, it just needs a fair bit of prodding to come out.

I also went to my first ever yoga class, again there’s another blog post, I’m trying to find the cure for relaxation. I’m still hoping for a miracle cure or a magic wand.

I have a million things to do today ahead of Jono and I going away. I’m so not organised which isn’t like me at all but for once I’ve written a list of everything I have to do. I would normally have all kinds of plans for places to visit when we are away but it’s going to just be spur of the moment things this time. 

If anyone out there is on sertraline how are you finding it? Is this high and low feeling normal? I know everyone is different but I’d love to find out what works for people.

I’m now going to try to sleep again which is going to be difficult with my stomach rumbling and the craving I have for a bag of chips. There’s another thing, the old me hates chips! The depressed me always wants a bag in the middle of the night preferably smothered in salt and vinegar.

Goodnight all x