I had another counselling session today, it’s made the things that come up, things I hadn’t really thought about. I’ve realised I’m quite childish, I kind of knew that anyway. I can, on occasion, flounce (in my head anyway).
What I didn’t realise was how bloody frightened I am most of the time, mainly of rejection. This is why I’m usually not the person who will text or phone people, I’m frightened I’ll get knocked back and I can take that very much to heart. It’s funny because lately so many people have told me how brave I am. If only they could see inside me, I’m like a coiled, petrified, spring.
There really aren’t that many people who get the see the person behind the ‘invisible wall’ and I almost feel like a failure if I do let my true feelings show. I suppose I’m so busy trying to help or fix other people I forget that I need fixing too.
I’ve also realised that I get frightened when I’m flustered and when I get flustered I start to panic. I was in the supermarket today, one of my trigger places, and someone was almost leaning over me to get something from the shelf – this made me tense up and I couldn’t move! Thankfully they moved in the end. At the till I got flustered again, I was trying to pick up all my items so the next person could pay and I ended up dropping half of them. The more I tried to organise myself the worse I was. It was one of those times where I wish I had a sign telling people to give me a bit of space.
The closer people get the worse I get. I’m sure next week something else will crop up but for now I need to work on becoming more confident.