I had another counselling session today, it’s made the things that come up, things I hadn’t really thought about. I’ve realised I’m quite childish, I kind of knew that anyway. I can, on occasion, flounce (in my head anyway).
What I didn’t realise was how bloody frightened I am most of the time, mainly of rejection. This is why I’m usually not the person who will text or phone people, I’m frightened I’ll get knocked back and I can take that very much to heart. It’s funny because lately so many people have told me how brave I am. If only they could see inside me, I’m like a coiled, petrified, spring.
There really aren’t that many people who get the see the person behind the ‘invisible wall’ and I almost feel like a failure if I do let my true feelings show. I suppose I’m so busy trying to help or fix other people I forget that I need fixing too.
I’ve also realised that I get frightened when I’m flustered and when I get flustered I start to panic. I was in the supermarket today, one of my trigger places, and someone was almost leaning over me to get something from the shelf – this made me tense up and I couldn’t move! Thankfully they moved in the end. At the till I got flustered again, I was trying to pick up all my items so the next person could pay and I ended up dropping half of them. The more I tried to organise myself the worse I was. It was one of those times where I wish I had a sign telling people to give me a bit of space.
The closer people get the worse I get. I’m sure next week something else will crop up but for now I need to work on becoming more confident.
Oh- I remember this part of my journey so well. I was just thinking the other day how terrified I used to be, a one point couldn’t even leave the apartment to check the mail, it would take a whole day of telling myself I could do it, only to not, feel like a failure and tell myself I would try the next day. Look at me now, traveling to and around Ireland solo 🙂 The steps you are taking are now taking, take courage, and bravery, give yourself credit for that. Also please try to remember, this is not a character flaw, its how your nervous system is responding to the stress etc. You are not alone, I know what you are going through. The journey may be terrifying, painful and gut wrenching, but it is so worth it, you are not alone. Take god care of yourself during these times. ❤
Ha, ha, the supermarket incident reminds me of every time I go through immigration anywhere. I’m usually a confident person , but every time I travel and join an immigration queue I see everyone quickly flash their papers, get stamped and they are through in a few seconds. Me, I approch think I am fully organised, start babbling, papers springing out of my hand and flying everywhere, as I pick something up, something else falls, or I trip over. Meanwhile immigration officer getting more scowly .. and 5 to 10 minutes later I am in, often with two rubber stamps rather than one. No idea why I panic at those places as I am never trying to fraud or cover up anything.
Done the same at supermarket checkouts sometimes too when the debit card has run out and I either fumble for my wallet for cash or have to decide what to leave behind.
Val, your behaviour is probably more normal than you realise … and, yes, trying be ‘organised’ only makes it worse 🙂