Last week I managed to queue in the local supermarket without a glimmer of a panic attack or even a slight wobble. I thought I was cured! If I could have high-fived myself I would have done. I was thrilled walking out of the shop…I should have known it was too good to be true.
My body decided to bring me back to earth with a bang when I met someone in the street and they asked me all about my anxiety. How it started, what symptoms I get, how I deal with it. I was floored because I wasn’t expecting it and was caught off guard. I’m grand typing about my problems but I’m not great talking about it. I know the person wasn’t to know and I had no idea I would react the way I would. I did hold it together but it was tough and I was a bag of nerves when I got back to the car. So just in case I should happen to meet anyone out and you think I’m behaving a bit strangely it’s just stress and nerves. I’m very happy to answer any questions by email as I feel safe behind my computer, I’m just not so good when I have to speak and I have nothing to hide behind.
Apart from all that things are good. I had the loveliest day on Sunday where I didn’t feel a bit stressed all day – a very rare occasion. A friend did my hair today and I feel so much better for trying to pay attention to my appearance and I’m thrilled with the new hair.
I went to my drama therapy session yesterday and it was amazing, it really helps to put how I feel into words. I managed to describe this knot I feel in my chest when the panic starts, it feels like a hard red ball and when it starts my whole body goes tense, it’s exhausting. My drama therapist is so kind and caring and things she said to me yesterday have already helped me immensely. I’m so looking forward to the next session.
I also went to counselling today, another really helpful session. I get so much out of it and in both places I don’t feel judged or paranoid which I do sometimes in ‘real life’.
I also feel like the medication has finally kicked in and I’m not a trembling wreck anymore – on the outside anyway! Inside is sometimes a different story. I describe myself as looking like I’m swimming gracefully but under the surface I’m drowning.
It’s a case of taking each day as it comes. Sometimes I’m OK to be out and about and even enjoy it. Other times I would love to just stay in bed and pull the covers over my head. It’s almost like having two personalities in one body.
The main point of this blog is if you are going through something similar hang on in there. You would be surprised at how many people are going through the same thing. If you don’t have anyone you can talk to feel free to drop me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org I’m by no means an expert on any of this but I’m happy to listen or perhaps meet for coffee. Take care xx