So I did the play on Friday and thought I might have turned a corner and be on the way to winning this battle. The mind has a way of lulling you into a false sense of security and here I am again, a bag of bloody nerves.
I’m sure you are all sick of reading about this, hell I’m sick of writing about it and living it. I know I have no right to feel this way and that makes me feel worse I guess.
My poor family has listened to me pouring my heart out and they’ve been amazing. I really did think I was getting somewhere and during the play there was a glimpse of the ‘old Val’. Now the quivering wreck is back and the old me is well hidden or gone on holiday. I don’t blame her, I’m bored silly by this ‘shadow person’.
I went to the local shop yesterday and panicked when it was my turn to be served. My fingers went numb and I couldn’t pick up my money. This led to more panic which just made matters worse. The chest pains started, the breathing problems started. For Feck’s sake I only went in for a bottle of milk! I felt like I staggered back to the car and drove home. When I got inside I was exhausted, totally drained and shaking like a leaf. There is no rational explanation for this, or not one that I can see.
The new week will begin tomorrow and already I feel like I’m drowning. Swimming against the tide and getting nowhere. I might look like the same old me on the outside but inside I’m screaming. The battle continues…..