One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

So I did the play on Friday and thought I might have turned a corner and be on the way to winning this battle. The mind has a way of lulling you into a false sense of security and here I am again, a bag of bloody nerves.

I’m sure you are all sick of reading about this, hell I’m sick of writing about it and living it. I know I have no right to feel this way and that makes me feel worse I guess.

My poor family has listened to me pouring my heart out and they’ve been amazing. I really did think I was getting somewhere and during the play there was a glimpse of the ‘old Val’. Now the quivering wreck is back and the old me is well hidden or gone on holiday. I don’t blame her, I’m bored silly by this ‘shadow person’.

I went to the local shop yesterday and panicked when it was my turn to be served. My fingers went numb and I couldn’t pick up my money. This led to more panic which just made matters worse. The chest pains started, the breathing problems started. For Feck’s sake I only went in for a bottle of milk! I felt like I staggered back to the car and drove home. When I got inside I was exhausted, totally drained and shaking like a leaf. There is no rational explanation for this, or not one that I can see.

The new week will begin tomorrow and already I feel like I’m drowning. Swimming against the tide and getting nowhere. I might look like the same old me on the outside but inside I’m screaming. The battle continues…..

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12 thoughts on “One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

  1. London Life & Beyond says:

    Dear Val, I’m sorry to read this. I know it’s more than this but sounds very like panic attacks playing a part and I have had them and they are awful! I so wish there was someone professional or otherwise, someone who really gets what’s going on, preferably from their own experience, who could guide you through this. In the meantime, sending you a big string bear hug, my friend always says to me, when things are tough, this too shall pass. I always repeat it when I think things won’t change. It helps. Ursula xxx

    >

  2. Margaret mc gee says:

    Hi Val, so sorry to hear you are feeling overwhelmed, I know that ballymote family centre used to have counselling, and it was a pay what you can system, it might be a help or start u on the road to getting the help you need xx

  3. Tim says:

    Hi Val,
    My son has experienced symptoms very similar to yours. He learned to do breathing techniques which really helped him and prevented him from having to use medications.
    Also he increased his cardio vascular excercise by running or swimming every day (sometimes 2 short workouts a day) which seems to have relaxed his general physiology.
    Good luck, Tim

  4. Maria says:

    Hi there, have you tried mindfulness? My son also has anxiety and find mindfulness calming, he too finds exercise and eating healthy helps his mental well being also staying off alcohol. Keep moving forward and look at it one day at a time as that is all we all have. He was advised to make lists too but try not take on too much at any one time. Pace yourself and keep it steady if you can, good luck, maria

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