Shattered Dreams and Sunday Reflections

A bit of a mishmash of a post so bear with me. I ‘had’ to write this post and I haven’t had breakfast yet so this is probably going to be all over the place.

One of the things that came up in my counselling sessions was my grief at having to give up dancing and yes I’m aware of how dramatic that sounds. I had no idea this was even in me but it makes a lot of sense now I think about it.

Dancing wasn’t just a hobby for me it was my whole life. I’d been dancing since I was three years old and it was probably the only time in my childhood when I felt at ease and happy. Once a week I would get on a train to London by myself to go for private dancing lessons, this was from the age of ten – no fear back then.

Every weekend was spent competing in dancing competitions all over the country. We were pretty good at it, we won a lot of competitions, we danced in the Blackpool Tower and we even won a trip to Antwerp to compete in the European Championships. We never got there.

One Saturday morning Adam, my dancing partner, and his dad came to pick me up to go to a competition. I was told that was it, no more dancing. I can still see myself looking out of an upstairs window at Adam in the car. I wasn’t allowed to say goodbye. The dancing dream was over without me even having a choice.

I was heartbroken, my whole life was spent working on the knowledge that I was going to be a dance teacher. The one thing that was keeping me sane was ripped from me. I’ve now realised that this is why I bounce from one thing to another. I don’t throw myself wholeheartedly into anything, in the back of my mind there’s a fear that if I love something too much I will lose it.

We had our first choir concert last night and it was almost like looking through that window again. I was on the outside looking in. I wasn’t sure until I actually got there if I would even go. I slapped some makeup on, gave myself a kick up the backside and went. I was grand until the interval I felt so alone that I almost left. I know this is my own doing, it’s very hard for me to try to fit in and I do feel like an outsider. Thanks to our lovely choir master I stayed and I’m kind of glad I did but I don’t think I’ll ever sing in a concert again. I like the rehearsals for fun but I don’t think the serious side is for me. I did stay afterwards and had a couple of drinks and a chat with a friend and I enjoyed that, so for me to even stay in a busy pub where I couldn’t see the door was quite and achievement.

I would like to try dance classes again. Not the same kind of dancing as before, too many memories. Something new though and just for fun. I was at my fittest when I was dancing – even though when I was the size I was in the photo at the top of this page I was made to go to weight watchers –  hence the obsession with my weight. Jaysus I have a lot of baggage!!

Anyway I’m going to have breakfast now. Thanks for taking the time to read this, apologies if it’s all over the place x

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15 thoughts on “Shattered Dreams and Sunday Reflections

  1. Gayle Brosnan-Watters says:

    Yes, that baggage is the pits, isn’t it? I have some of my own. And hey, I’m coming back to Ireland this spring, I think! My daughter told me she’s bringing me again, and I am so looking forward to it. I really hope you and I can get together for a bit of a “chin wag” – is that the way to put it?? I think we have a lot in common!! Only I’ve been at it longer than you have, because I’m 71!!
    And I agree – get your dancing shoes on – I love to dance myself, and did a lot of it between husbands (one died, and I married another one two years later, silly me). should have kept on dancing!!!

  2. Suzanne venuta says:

    A lovely, authentic post Val. You are gaining some great insight, also known as growth. As hard as this work is, it is well worth it, When we work on the issues of the past, we come to realize our own patterns and our own ” cognitive errors” as my shrink used to say, we free ourselves up for better things. I so understand not putting your all into things now, it makes total sense to me. Why would I put all this effort, time etc into something if someone or something is going to take it away from me. I was also in a choir years ago and we did a concert and I thought, nope not doing this again, to stressful, to many triggers, and that was the start o some of my therapy on certain issues. I now belong to a singing community that get together for the love of singing. Take good care of yourself during this process my friend ❤

    • magnumlady says:

      Thank you Suzanne, I can understand how the concert triggered certain feelings.
      Writing this post has stirred up a few more hidden things for me so my counselling session will be interesting this week.

      • Suzanne venuta says:

        For me, counselling sessions are always an adventure, I have some idea where they are going to go- sometimes- and they take turns and bends and land in all sorts of interesting places, and the benefit is that treasures are found along the way 🙂

  3. Margaret Mc Gee says:

    Val, I would love to have attended your concert but had other family things planned. Im sure it was a great success. I absolutely love singing with the Sligo Gospel Choir. I feel your sadness about the dancing and the suddeness of the stop, and probably that you felt you had no control over it. I used to be a gymnast and was very fit and agile, and while I loved it and was very good, winning an all ireland medal, a silver and other awards at national level, my dad never like me doing it and that caused me alot of upset and anxiety. I still love it and although i cant turn cartwheels anymore, I do enjoy watching it and I am still fairly bendy!! Keep the love in your heart for the dancing and go attend some of the social dance classes, they are regularly advertised on Ocean FM.

    • magnumlady says:

      Aw Margaret bless you. Well done on doing so well and I’m really sorry that you couldn’t keep it up.
      I don’t want to go to a social dancing class – I’d have to do some kind of different dancing.

  4. Suzanne venuta says:

    I’m so sorry this happened too you, it must have been heartbreaking. Honor those memories and feelings that are coming up, I always believe things would rise to be worked on when the time is right. Take good care of yourself and here is you need to type/chat ❤

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