After a wonderful time in Hamburg my friend anxiety was waiting for me when I returned home to Ireland. I did try to get back to ‘normal’ life, going to a place I usually felt comfortable in but I got a wobble and had to leave almost as soon as I arrived.
I tried again a couple of days later, doing what I would normally do, because life carries on regardless of how you are feeling. I scurried through the town with my hood up and my head down and jumped the height of myself when a couple of people said my name. The back pain, the chest pain, the shortness of breath. The normal noises that sounded so loud, the pounding in my head and the thumping of my heart. The new me wanted to take to bed, this couldn’t continue, so with much encouragement I went to the doctor.
The doctor was very sympathetic and understanding. I have been given medication, just a small dose, to help me get over this. I was reluctant to take it but couldn’t continue the way I was. I am also being referred for CBT – although I would say I need counselling too.
I have sort of figured out what started this all off. I think part of it might be a fall out from the move, I was running on adrenaline at the time to get through it and now it’s over I think it’s hit me. Also in a short space of time a couple of things happened involving other people. I’m not going to write about these because of outside parties, but just to say be aware of your words and deeds – you have no idea how much they can hurt somebody.
Some people suggested I shouldn’t write anything more publicly about what I’m feeling but if it helps just one person I’m happy to do so. The blog started off as a diary and helped me deal with all kinds of issues and this is just another issue that I will get through. The stigma of mental health will never end if people don’t talk about it. What surprised me was how many other people have been in the same situation. When one person speaks out others will follow.
As I sit here on my 49th birthday I’m determined not to let this beat me. I’m so used to being a strong woman that it’s hard to feel like this. After seeing the doctor and starting the medication I’m starting to feel a lot better already. That’s probably a placebo effect but it’s helping me anyway. I’m not sleeping any better and my left leg has taken on a life of its own in the middle of the night with shaking, but hey, maybe I’ll lose a few calories 😉
I want you all to know that there is help out there and please don’t suffer in silence. I’m lucky that I have such a supportive family who will listen to me and be there to support me. I realise not everyone has that so here are a few helplines if you need them.
Aware (Depression, Bi-Polar Disorder & Anxiety)
Tel: 1800 80 48 48