Well the old anxiety is back with a bang, I knew it was looming, I had the tightness in my chest and the tingling on my back recently but I kind of ignored it and went about my business. I was about to go into an event and I had the invisible door feeling, it’s like there’s a barrier between me and the place I’m going into, which is certainly made worse when I can’t see what’s on the other side of the door.
I don’t know if any of you have ever had that. It’s like a struggling to push passed the invisible door, almost like my feet are glued to the ground. As I was feeling this, a lady arrived with her son and he was saying he didn’t want to go in, he also wasn’t sure. I was thinking how brave he was for vocalising his feelings when I was just glued to the spot.
I did go in, I shuffled around, I spoke to people, lovely people, and it was all lovely….but inside I was a complete and utter mess. I’m sure I broke off midway through conversations and I don’t remember saying goodbye to people. I feel really quite daft because there was absolutely nothing to be anxious about. There weren’t crowds of people, I felt very safe, it was all perfectly fine.
I’m wondering if this is the Covid effect, I haven’t seen people properly in so long it’s really hard to get back to. Stick me behind a computer and I’m happy out but in real life I feel like a fish out of water.
When I came out of the place I was so hungry, again this used to be very normal for me when I was very bad. I’d want to eat everything and I’d eat so quickly the food would just feel like it was stuck in my chest. It’s a nasty feeling, and it’s never the healthy food I reach for.
I was also hoping to go to a couple of other places but I couldn’t face it, I think I’d had enough of being social. This is one of the reasons that if I have to go anywhere I go early, the chances are that not many other people will be around.
I was thinking back to another place I went to a few weeks ago, it was outdoors and it was lovely and quiet, we went the ‘wrong way’ around the place and a fairly loud shout came to tell us to go around the right way. I think this is what’s started these feelings off again. I felt like such an eejit, We weren’t anywhere near anyone and I probably should have been paying heed to the signs but the shout was a bit much. Needless to say we left after that.
Anyway I was on twitter, which is always my ‘go to’ place, and I just put up a tweet about feeling anxious and people are lovely, so supportive. One lady suggested the eating might be triggered from memories where there was stress and I was given food – this could have been the story of my childhood! A few other people said they knew what I meant and that they also get hungry after feeling anxious.
A few people pointed me in the direction of Reignite on RTE Radio 1. Aine Kerr was interviewing Dr. Jud Brewer about Unwinding Anxiety and Ditching Bad Habits – it was really interesting listening and there’s a technique that might help too and I’m going to try it next time. You can listen back here: https://www.rte.ie/radio/radio1/clips/21988583/