The pic on the left from 2017, the pic on the right 2019.
A memory came up on my Facebook page today. It was me at the Sligo Summer Festival with Andy (my hubby). I remember it well. I was terrified. The smile hid the turmoil that was going on inside me. At that time I was in the depths of depression, suffering from anxiety and having frequent panic attacks.
I remember clinging onto Andy like my life depended on it. I didn’t want him to move away from me and I was scared of everyone and everything.
This week we were back at the Sligo Summer Festival again. I was up at the front dancing on my own. I’m back and I’m brave. It wasn’t easy and there were many times when I never thought I’d be back to myself again.
It’s been a lot of learning about things that help me feel better. Those things don’t include prescription medication, mindfulness, walking or listening to back to back Leonard Cohen. They do include cake (I know), art, reading, being kind to myself, B12 injections and just doing whatever I feel like at any certain moment in time. It’s important to remember that everyone is different so what works for me might not work for others.
I’ve realised not everyone is going to like me and that’s OK. There are going to be people who hate me but they might not know me well at all. Some people might feel threatened, they can calm down, I don’t want their job. I’m very happy in my own job.
I’ve found out who my people are. I’m not going to call it a tribe because I hate that saying. I’m going to try to help people if I can because I can tell you when depression hits out of the blue it’s bloody scary. I talked about all my experiences and will continue to do so. My blog readers have been so supportive of me and to know I had people in my corner made a huge difference.
Two years ago I was also two stone lighter. I didn’t want to eat (unless it was something beige). I should, in reality, be two stone lighter but I like food. Being happier means more to me than weight.
It’s like a whole new mindset for me now. The people who I used to feel very intimidated by really don’t worry me at all. A lot of my issues were in my head not theirs.
So here I am two years on. Happy out.