After the best week I’ve had in months I feel like I’m back to the start again.
Awake at almost 3am for the third night in a row, this time due to loud revellers outside. The last two nights it was a giant moth that sounded like a bloody helicopter trying to land on my head!
I’m back to having no energy yet again but according to people I meet I look really well…the joys of having a mental health issue.
I feel like I’d crawled out of the deep dark well that I was in but have slipped back down again.
Maybe it’s an age thing. I never thought age bothered me in the slightest but I’ll be 50 next year and I suppose I thought I’d have my life sorted. Now don’t get me wrong my family life is perfect, couldn’t wish for any better but I thought I’d be financially stable at this age. Not still having to juggle finances and worry when bills come in.
My own fault I guess and I’m not whining just saying it how it is. Unfortunately there’s no fairy godmother or magic wand. I do feel like the more I knock on doors the more they appear to be closed to me.
The ideas I’ve had have gone nowhere and I feel like I’ve missed the boat career wise anyway. I realise this sounds like a pity party…it’s not in the slightest.
Years ago I’d have figured that the doors were closed because they weren’t right for me. Now I don’t know what’s right anymore and that’s kind of scary.
I know tomorrow I’ll drag myself out of bed, slap a smile on and carry on regardless but sometimes it’s bloody hard and this is one of those times….