Here I go again

After the best week I’ve had in months I feel like I’m back to the start again.

Awake at almost 3am for the third night in a row, this time due to loud revellers outside. The last two nights it was a giant moth that sounded like a bloody helicopter trying to land on my head!

I’m back to having no energy yet again but according to people I meet I look really well…the joys of having a mental health issue.

I feel like I’d crawled out of the deep dark well that I was in but have slipped back down again.

Maybe it’s an age thing. I never thought age bothered me in the slightest but I’ll be 50 next year and I suppose I thought I’d have my life sorted. Now don’t get me wrong my family life is perfect, couldn’t wish for any better but I thought I’d be financially stable at this age. Not still having to juggle finances and worry when bills come in.

My own fault I guess and I’m not whining just saying it how it is. Unfortunately there’s no fairy godmother or magic wand. I do feel like the more I knock on doors the more they appear to be closed to me.

The ideas I’ve had have gone nowhere and I feel like I’ve missed the boat career wise anyway.  I realise this sounds like a pity party…it’s not in the slightest.

Years ago I’d have figured that the doors were closed because they weren’t right for me. Now I don’t know what’s right anymore and that’s kind of scary.

I know tomorrow I’ll drag myself out of bed, slap a smile on and carry on regardless but sometimes it’s bloody hard and this is one of those times….

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12 thoughts on “Here I go again

  1. Gayle Brosnan-Watters says:

    I believe you have added a great deal to many people’s lives – even those who have never met you. I love your photos and your comments, and I plan to meet you when I get to Ireland again – note, I said when, not if. I’m 71, and I sometimes feel EXACTLY the way you do. But I know I DO have value and I have contributed something to others. It just doesn’t FEEL that way!! And you have great value too. Bills are no fun – I know, I have them too. But we aren’t the only ones with bills, and we’ll manage. I’m not sure if any one ever “sorts themselves out” completely!!

  2. Maggie says:

    Morning Val. I was in the same rut regarding a career. Had lots of jobs through the years, but the jobs were menial and I hated them. Any ones that really interested me needed qualifications which I didn’t have. But! I have a talent, exactly the same as you do. So I got to grips properly with my dslr, took the bull by the horns and approached businesses, people and magazines offering little freebies to build a portfolio. I walked into the local papers with this portfolio offering my services and got freelance work with one. I absolutely love it and have started getting other jobs from the people I meet while doing this work. Right now, one year on, I’m busy with photography jobs and I’ve made my passion work for me. I’m only saying all this to show how easy it is to develop a name in this field. You have huge talent in this area Val, particularly landscape and local interest, and you are a lovely writer. Get business cards from Vistaprint (€5 for 100) with your blog address etc, and call to the papers, magazines and publishers. They will see how good a photographer you are and will not refuse good photos. Believe in yourself Val. You are a very talented lady.

    • magnumlady says:

      Thanks so much for your lovely message. I think my problem at the moment is thay I don’t have the confidence to approach anyone. Hopefully this might change one day.

  3. Ann Donnelly says:

    I could have had a middle of the night chat with you Val! My son was due home from his first lads holiday and of course flight was delayed and I couldnt sleep until he was home. 3:15am.
    I ‘accidently’ clicked on facebook and saw you as active but i always feel guilty/caught out if i log on during the night. Hope today is a better day. X

  4. yardsailor says:

    A bump in the road, not enough sleep is always a downer for me. Need at least 6 hours or the brain does not engage.You are being a little hard on yourself, to me anyone who has the talent and the will to bare her soul to the world as you have done is a hero in my book. You have no idea how many people you have probably helped with your honest, straightforward posts. Glad you know you have to “Buck up Buttercup” and slap that smile on.

  5. tric says:

    I hope tonight is better and a sleep helps you deal with this bump in time. A mental health illness can be a lonely place to live at times because as you say, ‘you look good’.

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