Another Sunday and another big jumble of thoughts. This week there was a big announcement about restrictions being eased, there is a name for it, pathway to something or other I think, but I can’t remember. To be honest it strikes a fear in me. At this stage I think I’m institutionalised.
I was out and about exploring last week, I love heading off on my own and seeing where I end up. I’ve started doing a new kind of photo slideshow where I record the soundtrack of the area and put it with photos I’ve taken. I’m very pleased with the result, although the Facebook algorithms are against me and very few people are seeing my posts so I’ll post the Hazelwood Forest one here.
When I was out I was going to message a friend to see if they wanted to meet – socially distanced of course. I couldn’t bring myself to do it though. The nagging voice in my head was telling me ‘Why would they want to meet you?’ so I didn’t send the message. I posted about it on twitter and the majority of people were lovely, except for a couple. I was told ‘Get a grip girl’. If you know someone with anxiety please don’t say things like this to them, it’s not helpful and you can rest assured that they are giving themselves a hard enough time.
I think I’ve withdrawn quite a lot. I was never great at being the first person to send a message, I felt I was annoying people. These days I hardly send messages at all, and the thought of taking it one step further and actually meeting someone fills me with horror. It’s like there’s some kind of invisible wall that I can’t get passed at the moment. I know one day I will, but I’ve discovered instead of me pushing myself and ending up having a panic attack, it’s better for me to take things at my own pace.
The good thing is the photography is back bringing me joy again, I go through a love hate with it. The painting had well and truly taken over but I’ve realised there’s room for both. By the way if you are reading this, and I thank you for doing so, these posts are right from the heart. Unedited and unfiltered, if I was brave enough to sit and chat with you this is what you’d hear.
I hope you are all keeping well and as always, thank you for reading.