Another Sunday and another big jumble of thoughts. This week there was a big announcement about restrictions being eased, there is a name for it, pathway to something or other I think, but I can’t remember. To be honest it strikes a fear in me. At this stage I think I’m institutionalised.
I was out and about exploring last week, I love heading off on my own and seeing where I end up. I’ve started doing a new kind of photo slideshow where I record the soundtrack of the area and put it with photos I’ve taken. I’m very pleased with the result, although the Facebook algorithms are against me and very few people are seeing my posts so I’ll post the Hazelwood Forest one here.
When I was out I was going to message a friend to see if they wanted to meet – socially distanced of course. I couldn’t bring myself to do it though. The nagging voice in my head was telling me ‘Why would they want to meet you?’ so I didn’t send the message. I posted about it on twitter and the majority of people were lovely, except for a couple. I was told ‘Get a grip girl’. If you know someone with anxiety please don’t say things like this to them, it’s not helpful and you can rest assured that they are giving themselves a hard enough time.
I think I’ve withdrawn quite a lot. I was never great at being the first person to send a message, I felt I was annoying people. These days I hardly send messages at all, and the thought of taking it one step further and actually meeting someone fills me with horror. It’s like there’s some kind of invisible wall that I can’t get passed at the moment. I know one day I will, but I’ve discovered instead of me pushing myself and ending up having a panic attack, it’s better for me to take things at my own pace.
The good thing is the photography is back bringing me joy again, I go through a love hate with it. The painting had well and truly taken over but I’ve realised there’s room for both. By the way if you are reading this, and I thank you for doing so, these posts are right from the heart. Unedited and unfiltered, if I was brave enough to sit and chat with you this is what you’d hear.
I hope you are all keeping well and as always, thank you for reading.
Honest & beautifully told, Val. I hear you re the lifting of restrictions and associated panic, I’ve become quite used to my own wee bubble and fear intrusion. The lift I got from getting my 1st vaccination was amazing…I was not expecting to feel so relieved! Loving your new photo/soundtracks. xxx
Thanks so much, yes I’m happy out in my bubble. No sign of vaccinations here, delighted to hear you got on OK xx
thanks for writing this, as it helped me gain some perspective. I find myself resenting others who don’t write or text or call me, and that I feel I’m always the one who has to make the move or arrange a time to get together. It’s humbling to see that perhaps that has nothing at all to with me. Take care, Val!
Certainly nothing to do with you, it’s so hard to make the first move.
I completely get this. I felt exactly the same last year when we were living in the UK and the restrictions were eased after the first lockdown, I even got quite tearful but also felt guilty because I should have been feeling happy. I think I had been enjoying the quiet so much, being shut off from people mostly, even people I liked! It was so wonderful to be allowed to enjoy nature more and have my own thoughts without feeling obliged to be polite and keep up. So many of my friends hated being in their own homes and and they were getting so excited about the shops being reopened and I felt like my safe hiding place was being dismantled. It made me feel very anxious. Three months of not seeing anyone and it really wasn’t enough!! It was a very good opportunity to stand back and understand myself better and realise why the hectic lifestyle that I’d had pre Covid had made me feel so out of sync and quite lonely. We’ve moved to Sligo now, the first time I’ve lived outside Lincolnshire, England in all my forty six years and the peace and quiet is like a tonic, I’ve never seen such a beautiful place, let alone lived in one. I have no idea what this part of Ireland will be like when everything opens up as we moved in the middle of the lockdown and I’m hoping it won’t be the mad scramble that it was in the UK last year. Whatever it is like, I have more respect for my own rhythm of life now and don’t feel guilty for feeling antisocial sometimes. I love your posts, especially this one for its honesty. X
Thanks so much Pippa and welcome to Sligo. We moved here 30 years ago from the UK and I was delighted to get out of the rat race. The peace and quiet here is wonderful. I think I’m quite happy in my little bubble x
Another glorious walk I look forward to taking in thenot too distant future. Stay strong and carry on Val and definately keep posting. You are the one keeping us connected to the place we love.
and hi! to you.
just hi and hold strong !
Thank you x