So we’re in December and for the first time ever we’ve put our Christmas decorations up already. Normally I’d have said it was too early but this year I’m looking forward to Christmas, for the first time in a few years.
Christmas 2016 was swallowed up with moving a couple of weeks beforehand. I have the vivid memory of bleach fumes; eyes stinging, hands raw from scrubbing the old house and the endless trips up and down the hill with all our worldly possessions.
Christmas 2017 was spent in the depths of depression. The smile was plastered on but I was miserable and exhausted. I went through the motions but was numb with medication.
If I’m honest I’d never thought I’d feel better again. It’s been a hell of a rollercoaster but as I sat having lunch with Jono and Lucy yesterday I realised how truly happy I am.
I spent a long time, years in fact, thinking I wasn’t good enough. Looking for the thing that was going to improve me or fix me. I’ve tried different classes and courses; the panic attack in the mindfulness class, being shouted at in a dance class – a lot of things that really didn’t help – but a few that did.
Now I think I’ve finally discovered that I am OK as I am. Yes I have an enormous backside and wonky teeth but that’s OK. I can be kind and funny (sometimes). I’m never going to be a size 10 and that’s OK.
There’s a lot more to life than looking a certain way. It’s nice to feel at peace with myself, to not beat myself up about things, to feel comfortable with myself.
I’ve let the friends go who couldn’t deal with me the way I was. I have a few who’ve stayed by me through it all. We don’t live in eachothers pockets but we know where we are.
I know I’m a lot more tolerant and understanding than I used to be and I’ve got quite brave. I’ve put myself in a couple of situations that I would normally have ducked out of and I’ve coped far better than I could have imagined.
So hello December, you’re looking well. For those out there who maybe struggling you won’t always feel the way you do now. Things will improve, I’m living proof of that.