The Invisible Wall

Yes it’s the middle of the night, yes I’m awake and analysing myself. Some things never change.

It’s a year since I had my first panic attack. I saw a photo of myself taken at the event before the attack happened. I’m smiling and look normal but on closer inspection my hands are clenched and I don’t look at all relaxed. It just proves to me that quite often I’m hiding behind a smile.

Something similar happened the other day. I went to something that I love doing but when I asked a question previously I felt stupid. Now I’m sure it wasn’t done on purpose but I felt like a child in front of a room full of people. It wasn’t by the answer I received but by the way it was said. I was in two minds whether to go back or not but it’s something I enjoy and I didn’t want to cut my nose off to spite my face – which I would have normally done. So there I was behind my invisible wall, there but not there if you know what I mean. The rest of the group were all laughing, talking and having a great time. I was there and I enjoyed what I did but I didn’t speak to anyone. Not one word the whole time. Does that make me weird? Don’t answer that, I know the answer.

I’ve realised this is not the first time the invisible wall has been there and it’s certainly one of the reasons why people think I’m rude it stuck-up. At the moment I can’t help it, it’s certainly easier then having a panic attack. I feel self-contained instead of vulnerable. It’s like I can choose what emotions I let in rather than the overwhelming feeling of panic where faces almost seem to loom over me and everything is amplified.

I’m not sure if any of this makes sense but it’s the way I am at the moment and in a way it’s a nice place to be, just me behind my invisible wall. There but not really there.

3 thoughts on “The Invisible Wall

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  1. I have so been where you are talking about. Your body is doing what it need to do to keep you numb, its a protection mode. You’re brain is actually squirting all sorts of wonderful chemicals through your brain, to numb you, in case there is any pain- think of a mouse that plays dead when the cat has it. The same thing is going on in its brain, and by doing this, he can play dead- and maybe the cat will get bored and the mouse can get away. If not then it wont hurt as much when the cat eats him. Your body is doing what it s supposed to be doing t protect you- your sympathetic, and parasympathetic nervous system may be a little confused about the perceived threat, but your body is doing this all naturally, it is not a character flaw or anything like that. Great noticing, and take good care of yourself as you journey into this amazing world of self analysis ❤

  2. Medicine seems to eliminating healing. Prescrptions are subscrptions and this is the goal to benefit shareholders. Its all about go to doctor, get a prescrption, everyone happy. I bet the profit on patches is too small.

    I can only think herbal aid. When I worked in R&D for a herb company we worked on pain relief. Our main source of study were recipes for salves and balms used in ancient China for pain relief after martial arts training.

    The standard base we worked with was combined oils of camphor, eucalyptus, and camellia (green tea extract).

    To these we added in various combinations … wintergreen, ravensara, lavender, helichrysum italicum, clary sage, yarrow, and sandalwood.

    Pain relievers also need sedatives, such as arnica flowers, lemon balm, devil’s claw root, ginger root, and turmeric root.

    I am going to have to look into this again using oils from the garden plants herecombined with imported oils.

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